Franz Ferdinand/The Futureheads

Dear Franz Ferdinand,

I’m leaving you.

This shouldn’t come as any great shock to you, but I’m sure it does. You were always too self-obsessed to notice I was never happy. Sure, there was that first burst of bliss when we met, but that titillation never matured into gratification.

It’s probably my fault. My attraction to you was superficial at best. You had that certain look and everyone spoke so highly of you. I guess I let myself get carried away with all that. Now, months later I find I can’t even spend ten minutes with you before I’m rolling my eyes and waiting for it all to end.

But that gets back to you again. I can’t say you’re not charming, but you need to realize that only gets you so far. You were always smartly dressed and quick with the wit, but you also wore out any welcome wallowing in your own smug indulgence.

At first I found that cockiness somewhat alluring, but after a while I realized you just didn’t care about me at all. It didn’t help that you were always surrounded by so many other fawning suitors. And when you took that big corporate job it got even worse. I don’t know if success ruined you, but it definitely ruined you for me. I guess I’m just too selfish and insecure to share you.

Still, if you’d ever offered any actual intimacy or insight, may be I would stick around. But you didn’t and I just don’t think you can anymore. The flash and dazzle that first drew me too you is all you’re capable of.

Besides, I’ve found someone new. It’s only been a few weeks, but already The Futureheads have made clear just what was so wrong about you and I.

You never had my heart. Truthfully, I never intended to give it to you. But I did expect some excitement. The way you leered at me with a suggestive flick of the eyebrow promised me a kind of desperate joy you simply could not deliver. You had no passion to offer me, only cleverness.

Which is not to say that The Futureheads and I have stumbled into anything too profound. It is what it is and right now it’s just a lot of fun. My friends all say it’s just a rebound thing and they’re probably right. But after all the stagnant disappointment I’ve endured with you, the infectious and impulsive rambunctiousness of The Futureheads is a welcome change.

I’m sure it’s not fair to compare you, but The Futureheads could really teach you a thing or two, Ferdie. You were always so composed to the point of being contrived, but The Futureheads rock with the kind of recklessness you just can’t conjure. So while you stay at home practicing your little hipster dance in front of a full-length mirror, they swagger like The Stranglers back up to the bar for another round of pints.

They never overstay their welcome either. You keep shopping around your singles to the club kids just so you can drag them out a little longer, but The Futureheads understand the power of economic songwriting that defined the best work from Guided By Voices and Wire. Yet they do so sounding a whole lot less studied and self-conscious that you ever have.

Ultimately it was that lack of authenticity that drove me away from you. That calculated eagerness to please may have succeeded in catching my attention, but it couldn’t keep me around.

So, goodbye Franz. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m sure someone else has already stepped in to take my place. And you’re probably so caught up in yourself that you’ll never even notice. If you ever do, it will likely be long after The Futureheads and I have parted ways. Flings like that never last. But I’d gladly take a fling for the time being over the hopeless and half-assed sham we’ve sustained for far too long.

PS: I want back my copy of This Nations Saving Grace. I don’t really think you ever listened to it anyhow.

Download "Stupid and Shallow" by The Futureheads. Then listen to it, pretend that they wrote it about Franz Ferdinand, and giggle.

Buy The Futureheads now from Amazon

Or buy Franz Ferdinand even though it's not as good